“Wild woman are an unexplainable spark of life. They ooze freedom and seek awareness, they belong to nobody but themselves yet give a piece of who they are to everyone they meet. If you have met one, hold on to her, she’ll allow you into her chaos but she’ll also show you her magic.” ―
This quote speaks to my soul on so many levels. We are born without damage, without limiting beliefs. Within us there is an innate sense of wonder and freedom. Unfortunately, over time, as our life unfolds, if we aren’t careful, we can easily lose track of who we are and who we are meant to be. Wonder turns to fear. Freedom turns to control.
If we don’t dig deep enough, it can feel like it is society (our community, boss, friends, partners, family, etc.) controlling us, guiding our actions and therefore our lives. But if we are truthful with ourselves, when we are not in our power, it is our fear and our need for acceptance that truly guides us. There are always extreme examples that step outside the norm, but for the most part, we judge ourselves and we limit ourselves.
Yes, there may be external influences but ultimately we decide how we react. The other day one of my Instagram followers messaged me letting me know he lives in my community. He said some lovely things about my self expression and commented positively on my physique. Then he asked if the fact that he was much younger than me bothered me. I responded by asking him why his age would bother me.
I wasn’t fully following his line of thinking. I hadn’t realized that in his mind he was hitting on me. He asked me if I’d like to meet for a coffee. I politely declined and asked him how old he was. He said he in his early twenties and proceeded to send me a full body photo (non nude but shirtless). He left out his face so I couldn’t tell who he was.
I responded by letting him know the names of my children whom I suspected he would know considering the small size of the community we live in. Two of whom are also in their early twenties. He said he was embarrassed as he did know my kids. I reassured him that there was nothing to be embarrassed about but that I would not pursue a connection with him.
This is not the first time one of my kid’s friends or acquaintances have shown an interest in me sexually or romantically. At first I felt quite shameful for eliciting this reaction in such young men. Over the years it has caused me to question my journey. I find myself constantly questioning my naked expression and how public I’ve been.
It takes a lot of inner strength to continue forging this path. In my recent posts on Twitter I’ve touched base on my personal reactions to some of the “negativity” I’ve experienced. A few people have made hateful comments. There will always be “trolls” out there who feel threatened by an empowered woman who speaks her mind. Especially one who happens to also be naked.
But, for the most part, it’s not the negative comments that create fear. It’s honestly the sexual comments that feed my fear. I’ve written about it before. I call it “The Whore Factor”. In my opinion, it is what keeps a lot of women from fully expressing themselves.
If we dance and our moves are too “seductive”. If we are too empowered. If we are too expressive. Too honest. Too emotional. Too bold. Too blunt. And God forbid if a woman actually posts a naked photo of herself publicly, she could be perceived as having sexual intentions or be labeled as promiscuous.
In my personal life I am very discerning when it comes to choosing a lover. The lover I chose for myself after my separation I’ve been friends with for 20 years. I trust and love him on a very deep level. My “bold” online presence. My ability to share my nakedness (spiritually, emotionally and yes, physically) does not reflect a difference in me as a sexual being.
I choose not to post pornographic or explicit photos of myself. Wow, that statement left things open to perception lol. I also choose not to take explicit or pornographic photos. But thousands of men have commented, messaged me, or emailed me telling me that my photos elicit arousal. In fact, a few men actually admitted masturbating to my snow angel video. I would have to say that particular video is probably one of my least “sexual” videos.
So the deeper question that I’ve been asking myself is this:
What is it about my photos or videos (the non sensuous ones) that causes a sexual reaction?
I’ve come to the conclusion that there are few public examples of authentic women letting go into a moment while also naked. The attraction runs deeper than the physical and the resulting arousal is powerful.
I realize that posting my photos in a Patron only area of my blog goes against a lot of what I stand for. At the same time, I have to respect my need for privacy. My intention is to write publicly and share my photos, videos and my deepest inner expression with a select group of dedicated individuals who “get it”.
From my heart to yours,
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