From Lover to Stranger

Hey lovelies,

Over the past few months I have been silent. I could tell you about the logistical and financial challenges I have faced but honestly, that would be boring as fuck. I have already been forced to live it. Writing about it won’t change the past and I have processed most of what has taken place so there’s no benefit to writing about it.

The aspect of my separation and impending divorce that I am inspired to write about is much deeper on an emotional level. There are emotions trapped in me related to this and, if I know myself like I believe I do, blogging about my emotions is the fastest way to process and transform them.

For those of you who read my Tantrachick blog, you know on a very intimate level, the deep, profound love I had for my husband, lover, best friend, and the father of my children. You also know the profound level of commitment and love my husband had for me. A few days before our separation I posted an incredibly positive post on social media about our ever lasting love.

The fact that we separated only a few days after that post has left friends, family, and blog readers with a lot of questions. Out of respect for my loved ones, I cannot answer those questions. What I can however talk about is something that I now realize millions of people who have gone through divorce experience.

I will start by saying that, when my husband and I first separated, I thought we would divorce in a spiritually evolved manner. I pictured family events, regular communication and more importantly I was positive we would continue co-parenting our beautiful children. I thought we would divorce with ease, respect, and I was foolish enough to believe that we would both behave civilly.

I am not going to get into the actions that have led me to this moment. Instead, I want to focus on the feelings that have transpired as a result. To help you dive in to what I am feeling, I will share one short story. This is something that happened on Mother’s Day, 2018. A day that is meant to celebrate the years of commitment, love, and nurturing mothers give to their children and family.

On Mother’s Day I dropped my daughter off at her dad’s house. There is some significance to the location because her dad’s house is also what used to be our family home. It is the property where we stayed up late dreaming about our future. It is the property where we shared hours soaking in our hot tub. Where we planted gardens and raised children.

Even though our dreams no longer exist together, I don’t want those dreams to die. I feel a huge amount of respect for the man I raised my children with. I want his dreams to continue to become reality. So luckily, as I drove away, I did not feel anger or even deep sadness. I felt a level of inner calm knowing that what we worked for was going to live on even if I am not a be a part of it.

What I was not expecting, however, was to pass the man who was the true love of my life. His role in my life has shifted. That I accept. We do not have a future together, that I accept. But when we drove past each other on the road that leads to the place we used to call home, it was as if we were nothing more than strangers passing. That moment shocked me. The rush of sadness rocked me to the core.

A few months ago one of my close fiends sent me a quote. He said it made him think of me and my situation. It was something like, “The hardest moment was when I looked into your eyes and saw a stranger.” I remember reading that quote and thinking, no, that will not happen to us. It did. Although this path has been heart wrenching and soul shattering, I accept it. In fact, I have learned more about love and relationships from this experience than I did during two decades of marriage.

My understanding of this path will continue to develop and expand. Because, unfortunately, this path is not yet complete. In many ways, it will unfold over the years as our children grow and mature. As I sat down to write this post, I asked myself if the topic was even relevant to the focus of my blog. Then I thought about the blog title, ‘Get Naked With Joy.’ As I have said time and time again, there is more than one way to be truly “naked”.

From my heart to yours,

Joy

 

12 comments

  1. coolbrzy says:

    Peace is more than simply cessation of conflict, and to be at peace, one must also be at rest from internal conflict, with all the confusion that attends separation, divorce or the loss of any significant relationship. Processing grief is part of resolving that confusion and conflicting emotions. May you be endure through the crucible of this forge, emerge a stronger, tempered self and having perservered, find peace.

    • Thank you so much for your beautiful sentiment. Funny you mentioned forge… I keep saying the quote “I need to steel myself.” A friend said they didn’t think that was a thing. So I shared the deeper meaning with them… it is inline with your sentiment.

  2. Russell LaSota says:

    Joy your latest post really is heart felt and honest. I was married for 27.5 years and raised four beautiful beings. It’s been 19 years since the parting. In the beginning I ha the same thoughts. Family events shared etc. and in the beginning it was fine. But as time went on it bugged me to be around my ex and I couldn’t figure out why. One day i was lost in a quiet moment at a nudist resort with my wife of 17 years. I suddenly realized i was cheated out of the life that i gave 28 years and four kids to. The time that was suppose to be ours was taken from me and she shares with another. I gave my all for ever to have a future of wonderful expierences and they were gone.I then realized I didn’t want to play the game of being around her anymore. I had a desire to tell my kids why I haven’t come around much anymore so that they could know my feelings. After long meditations i realized it’s my feelings and no good would come from sharing my hurt with anyone and I was suddenly good with it. I will now still do family life events but I will now make time for my kids without the ex being involved and I feel very liberated.

    • Wow thank you for sharing. I am out for the nite and do not have the space to respond with depth but I will contemplate and do so within the next day or so. Sending love from my heart to yours, Joy

    • Russell,

      During our mediation something similar was expressed to me. In our situation his actions and my reactions were the catalyst for our separation. Not sure how your marriage ended…

      I can totally respect the need for space. In our situation our youngest is 14 and the lack of communication is affecting all of our kids but mainly our youngest.

      I feel a wide range of emotions but have chosen to move forward, forgive, and focus on parenting… it sounds like you were able to do so as well…

      I guess the lesson is forgiveness and putting the children first… once again thank you so much for sharing so deeply and openly. I appreciate you. -Joy

  3. jeffstroud says:

    Joy, I hold space for to heal, to continue to share. I have been thinking of you, I know all of this is a tough path, yet these are the journey’s that build us or destroy us… Much love and (((Hugs)))

    • Jeff, I have been thinking of you also. Wondering where the wind has blown you! I have some huge life altering decisions coming up. Thank you for holding space! Much love and ((((Hugs))) to you as well!

  4. Dave says:

    That was very raw yet soul bearing of you joy !!!! I enjoyed reading it.big hug to you xxoo Dave

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